Published in Insights, The New Zealand Initiative’s newsletter, 12 July 2024
My fellow Americans, I used to carry around this little book. Or maybe it was a big book.
Anyway, it had words in it. Important words. And these words, they’re like a… like a GPS.
You know, those fold-out things you keep in your glove compartment. Except this one doesn’t fold. Or maybe it does. I’m not sure. But it’s still important.
So today, I’m going to read these words to you. Or try to, anyway. Here goes:
We the People
That’s us, folks. You, me, the guy at the… the place. You know, the one with the thing.
of the United States,
United States. That’s important. We’re united. Except when we’re not. But we should be. I think.
in Order to form a more perfect Union,
Perfect union. Like a… like a really good sandwich. A union sandwich. Or was it a club sandwich? Anyway, it’s where all the ingredients just… you know, they come together. But it’s not about sandwiches. I don’t think.
establish Justice,
Justice. It’s like… it’s like when you’re in a courtroom, and there’s this guy in a robe. Mr. Justice, they call him. Except it’s not always a mister. Sometimes it’s a… a… you know, the other kind. But they all wear robes. I think.
insure domestic Tranquility,
Domestic… that means at home, folks. And tranquility. That’s a big word. It means quiet. Jill tells me to be quiet sometimes, especially after 8pm. Says it’s bedtime. But we’re talking about the country, not me.
provide for the common defence,
Defence. Is it written with a ‘c’ or an ‘s’? I can never remember. But it’s about protecting. Protecting us from… from the bad things. You know, the things we don’t like.
promote the general Welfare,
Welfare. Not like… not like the welfare checks. Well, more like checks and balances. But it’s more than that. It’s about making sure everyone’s okay.
and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity,
Liberty. That’s freedom, folks. And blessings. Those are good things. And posterity. That’s… that’s… well, we’ll get to that later.
do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.
And there you have it, folks. The whole… the whole shebang. The thing that guides us. Or follows us. Or both. I’m still not sure. But I know it’s important. Really important.
God bless you, and God bless America. And may God bless… you know, the thing.
A tremendous constitutional address
Published in Insights, The New Zealand Initiative’s newsletter, 12 July 2024
Folks, let me tell you about this thing, this beautiful, incredible thing we have. It’s called the Constitution.
Nobody knows the Constitution better than me, believe me. I’ve got the best words, and these are the best words in the history of words. So, let’s talk about it. Ready? Here we go:
We the People
That’s us, folks. The best people. Americans. Not like those people trying to cross the border. We’re going to build a wall, by the way. A great wall.
of the United States,
The United States. It’s right there in the name. United. Like my rallies. Thousands of people. Millions, probably.
in Order to form a more perfect Union,
Perfect union. Like my marriages. All of them. Perfect. Unlike Crooked Hillary’s, am I right?
establish Justice,
Justice. I know all about justice. I’ve been treated very unfairly. No president has ever been treated worse than me. It’s true.
insure domestic Tranquility,
Domestic tranquility. It’s very important. Very important. You know what’s not tranquil? The fake news media. They’re the enemy of the people.
provide for the common defence,
Defence. Or defense. Both are fine. I know more than the generals, folks. I’m going to make our military so strong. So strong.
promote the general Welfare,
Welfare. We don’t like that word. We like jobs. I’ve created more jobs than anyone. When I was in charge, unemployment was at its lowest. You’re welcome.
and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity,
Liberty. It’s what makes America great. And posterity. That’s like posterior. I have a great posterior. Everyone says so.
do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.
And there you have it. The Constitution. It’s a beautiful thing. Some people say it’s the best constitution ever written. You know, if I had been there, I probably would have made it even better. But it’s still great, really great.
People always ask me, “How do you know so much about the Constitution?” And I tell them, it’s because I have a very good brain. Very good. The best brain.
So, remember these words, folks. They’re important. Like me. I’m important. And together, we’re going to make America great again. Because that’s what this is all about. Making America great again.
Thank you. God bless America. And God bless me. Thank you.
